My wife would rather buy new dishes than wash the dirty ones, and I’m fed up with it.

I’m a 29-year-old man, and I’ve been married to my 31-year-old wife for two years, though we’ve been together for five. We were planning to start a family, but those plans have been postponed and may not happen at all now. Both of us work, earning roughly the same salary and working similar hours.

Previously, we had a chore system where we would play rock-paper-scissors to schedule our days off. I thought the division was fair, although she ended up with more dishwashing days while I handled most, if not all, of the laundry.

My wife has a deep-seated hatred for doing the dishes. It upsets her so much that she sometimes breaks down in tears at the sight of a sink full of dishes. In the past, when she started crying, I would step in, take over her chores for the day, calm her down, and things would be fine.

However, I began to notice that her tears seemed to be a tactic to get out of doing the dishes. Once I took over, her tears would stop immediately, and she would go off to do something fun, laughing and carefree. There was no gradual winding down as before.

Consequently, we changed our dishwashing system to “whoever uses the dish washes it,” except for cooking. The cook didn’t have to wash the pots and pans since they had done the bulk of the work for dinner, which was her suggestion, and I agreed.

This worked for a while until I realized she was using far more dishes than I was and avoiding washing them. When I asked her when she planned to wash the dishes after I made dinner at her request, she exploded at me. I did what she asked but left the dishes. The next day, she questioned why the dishes weren’t done, and I told her it was because she hadn’t washed them. This led to an argument, and though I washed the dishes, I was unhappy.

I handle almost all of the laundry because she refuses to do it anymore, and I hate wearing dirty clothes. All she needs to do is put her clothes in the laundry basket. We have separate baskets for darks, colors, and whites, and she insists on having a special basket for her underwear and other items, which I hand wash.

Lately, she hasn’t been putting her clothes in the basket. Initially, I picked up her clothes and washed them, but when I saw her leaving them on the floor because “I always pick them up,” I decided to stop. She asked why her clothes weren’t done, and when I explained she hadn’t put them away, she got angry again. The same story repeated.

Recently, all this tension culminated in more frequent fights. My wife has become lazier as a form of resistance. Initially, I did all her chores on top of my own, but eventually, I had a moment of clarity and stopped. Dishes piled up, her clothes stayed dirty, and crumbs were everywhere on her days. On my days, everything was spotless.

In response, she started buying more dishes and clothes to avoid her chores. This infuriated me. She bought plastic cutlery, paper plates, cheap t-shirts, and other low-cost alternatives to the quality items we already had. I started throwing them away.

When she realized I was tossing her cheap replacements, she got furious, and for the first time, I raised my voice. My deep voice and large stature frightened her, which I regretted immediately.

I quickly lowered my tone and explained that she wasn’t doing her part and was wasting money on disposable items instead of simply cleaning up and putting her clothes in the basket. She cried, and despite my numerous apologies, she said she no longer felt safe with me and that maybe we should consider divorce. This devastated me.

The shouting was unintentional. No one wants to hear the full story, leaving me feeling isolated and a bit crazy. My female friends are either staying out of it or siding with her. I’ve been losing friendships. I feel like a jerk right now.

Was I wrong? All I wanted was for her to clean up after herself. I had never hurt her or yelled at her before, and I regret that it happened. I didn’t mean to scare her; I was just extremely frustrated after months of tension. I realize throwing away the disposables was immature, and I should have just cleaned up after her, but I was exasperated.