RETIRED AND REJECTED: AM I WRONG TO FEEL HURT?

Am I wrong to feel hurt and overlooked by my own children? I’m Linda, a 58-year-old widow. It’s been tough since Tom, my husband, passed away last year. We had always planned to enjoy our retirement together, and suddenly, I found myself navigating this new phase of life alone.

It’s not just the loneliness; it’s how my three adult children have been treating me. They’re all married and settled, and while I’m proud of them, I feel like they’ve forgotten me. For instance, my daughter, Ellen, who lives only 15 minutes away, rarely visits or calls. When I reach out, she says she’s too busy with work and her kids. I understand that life gets hectic, but a quick call isn’t too much to ask, right?

My two sons aren’t much better. They live further away and their visits have dwindled to a mere obligation during holidays. What’s more painful is watching them devote time and energy to their in-laws while I spend days on end without any meaningful family interaction. I’ve tried discussing this with them, expressing how their apparent neglect makes me feel, but it’s brushed off as me being overly sensitive or needy.

This emotional distance is becoming unbearable. I’ve always been independent, but I never imagined retirement would feel so isolating. I miss being part of their lives, and I miss my grandchildren. The few times I do see them, it’s like I’m just a babysitter, not a valued family member.

I’ve started to pull back, thinking maybe they need their space, or perhaps I’m expecting too much. But then, loneliness and a sense of being an afterthought creep in, making me wonder if withdrawing is the right approach.

Recently, my youngest son suggested that maybe I should consider moving to a senior living community. His words stung. It felt like my own child was shipping me off just so he wouldn’t have to deal with me. Am I wrong to want to be more involved in their lives? Am I wrong to expect some level of attention and care from my children, especially now that their father is gone?

I’m torn between wanting to maintain my dignity and not wanting to impose on their lives. But deep down, I can’t help but feel that family should be there for each other, no matter the age.

Here are some comments:

• It sounds like you’ve been incredibly strong, Linda. It’s not wrong to expect some affection and involvement from your children. Have you considered setting up a regular schedule for visits or calls?
• Maybe your children don’t realize how isolated you feel. Communication is key! Perhaps try to have an open conversation about your feelings without making them feel guilty.
• It’s really tough to hear that you’re feeling this way. Sometimes people get caught up in their lives and don’t see the impact of their actions. Sending you a lot of strength!
• I went through something similar with my kids. What helped was finding activities that we both enjoyed, so visiting felt less like a duty and more like a fun outing.
• Your feelings are completely valid. It’s important that your children understand your perspective as much as you try to accommodate theirs.
• It sounds like a tough situation. Have you thought about joining clubs or groups? Sometimes expanding our own social circles can help fill the void.
• It’s sad that they don’t see the effort you need from them. Maybe keep trying to express how important this is for your emotional well-being.