A man is lying on the beach

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, “If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady.” He replies,“If you were any sort of a hot lady, the hat would lift by itself.”

Don’t skip the following Jokes 👇

The Talking Dog for Sale
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the doorbell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and asks the dog, “Can you talk?”
“Yep,” the dog replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
“Well, I discovered my ability to talk when I was young. I worked as a spy for the CIA for a while because I could travel unnoticed and listen in on important conversations. After that, I did some undercover work at the airport, and now I’m just relaxing in my retirement.”
Amazed, the guy asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the owner replies.
“Ten dollars? Why so cheap?”
“He’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

The Genie and the Three Wishes
A man finds a magic lamp and rubs it, summoning a genie. The genie says, “I will grant you three wishes, but everything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
The man thinks for a moment and says, “Okay, I wish for a mansion.”
“Granted, but your ex-wife now has two mansions,” the genie says.
“For my second wish, I want a billion dollars.”
“Granted. But your ex-wife now has two billion dollars.”
The man pauses, then says with a sly grin, “For my third wish, I want you to scare me half to death.”

The Duck and the Bartender
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender says, “No, we don’t serve grapes here.”
The duck leaves but comes back the next day. “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, a bit annoyed, replies, “I told you yesterday, no grapes!”
The duck leaves again but returns the following day. “Got any grapes?”
The bartender yells, “If you ask me for grapes one more time, I’m going to nail your beak to the bar!”
The duck leaves, but the next day it returns. “Got any nails?”
“No,” says the bartender, confused.
“Good. Got any grapes?”

The Parrot and the Burglar
A burglar breaks into a house and starts taking valuables. He hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.” He freezes and looks around but sees nothing. He continues, but again the voice says, “Jesus is watching you.”
He shines his flashlight and sees a parrot. “Who are you?” the burglar asks.
“I’m Moses,” the parrot replies.
“Moses? What kind of people name a parrot Moses?” the burglar scoffs.
“The same kind that name their Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot says.

The Frog and the Loan Officer
A frog goes to a bank and asks for a loan. The loan officer, Ms. Patty Whack, asks, “Do you have any collateral?”
The frog says, “I have this,” and pulls out a tiny porcelain elephant.
Confused, Ms. Whack consults the bank manager. “There’s a frog here who wants a loan, and all he has for collateral is this tiny elephant. What should I do?”
The manager looks at the elephant and says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan.”

The Man in the Balloon
A man is floating in a hot air balloon and realizes he’s lost. He sees a woman on the ground and shouts, “Can you help me? I promised a friend I’d meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am!”
The woman replies, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re at 40 degrees north latitude and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the woman, “How did you know?”
“Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I’m still lost.”
The woman responds, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well, you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You made a promise, but you have no idea how to keep it, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

The Doctor’s Orders
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, it hurts when I press my leg, my arm, and my chest. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor examines him and says, “Your finger is broken.”

The Lawyer and the Farmer
A lawyer is driving his new car when he hits a pig on a rural road. He gets out, worried. A farmer comes up and the lawyer says, “I’m so sorry, I hit your pig!”
The farmer says, “No worries. But you should come to my house; I’m having a big party tonight.”
The lawyer agrees and ends up having a great time, eating and drinking until the next morning.
He asks, “This is the best party ever, but why did you invite me?”
The farmer replies, “Oh, I always make sure to celebrate when one of my pigs becomes a lawyer!”

The Wishing Well
Two friends are walking when they come across a wishing well. One friend leans in and says, “Wow, I wish I had a million dollars!” Suddenly, a million dollars falls out of the sky. The second friend looks at the well and says, “I wish I had my dream house!” Just like that, a mansion appears.
The first friend says, “This is amazing! Let’s keep wishing!” He leans in and says, “I wish I had the best car in the world!” A brand-new sports car appears.
The second friend, feeling left out, leans over and says, “I wish I had the best wife in the world!”
Suddenly, the first friend’s wife appears.

The Boss and the Employee
An employee walks into his boss’s office and says, “Sir, I need a raise. There are three companies after me.”
The boss says, “Which companies are those?”
The employee replies, “The electric company, the phone company, and the water company!”